Follow Goalposte’s founder, Jane Wu Brower from week-to-week as she plays Fantasy Football for the first time.
This is my first time playing Fantasy Football, and I’ve somehow managed to pull 2 victories out of my butt to start the season. Both weeks were serious nail biters that had me on a rollercoaster of emotions, but with a little bit of luck I managed to squeak out wins. Here are a just a few valuable lessons that I’ve learned through my first 2 weeks playing fantasy:
1. The highs make you an insufferable jerk that no one wants to be around.
Winning Week 1 feels so great. You have all the promise of a great season ahead of you and anything that goes right confirms how brilliant and clairvoyant you were during the draft. You’re basically a Fantasy Football savant. You immediately begin researching Fan Duels, Draft Kings and any other ways you can get rich from your newfound ability.
2. The lows make you an insufferable whiner that no one wants to be around.
In Week 2, I was almost guaranteed to lose to my opponent, Adam. I was an underdog to begin with, then Drew Brees completely let me down with his meh 16 point performance. What happened to those 42 points the week before Drew?? Then just a few hours later Danny Woodhead went out of the game with a season-ending injury. Dqweiropewjknj;lkjf;a *Head meet wall*
I spent most of the afternoon and evening being sullen and whiny—an all around super pleasant game-watching companion.
3. Be on the right side of retroactive scoring.
All of the players on Adam’s and my team had finished playing by the end of Sunday night. A couple of Adam’s players also suffered injuries, so we managed to end Week 2 in a tie. But I resigned myself to a loss, because Adam’s bench players had scored more points (the tiebreaker).
The next morning I woke up and discovered that I had miraculously won! ESPN had retroactively given my Arizona Cardinals defense one more point. I immediately texted adam “Yes, defense does win championships.” See #1 above re: insufferable gloating.
4. You’ll be obsessed.
I should probably upgrade my phone’s data plan because all I do, all Sunday long is refresh the ESPN Fantasy Football app like a crazy person. I need to make sure I leave my house with a 100% battery, because I’m about to drain that sucker all day long.
I don’t have a problem or anything. I just have to know what my players are doing at every second of every game. Why aren’t they getting targets? What’s happening?!!!!! What’s with the buffering, Sunday Ticket???!!!!!
5. What actually happened during the game?
Sunday becomes all about your fantasy team. It’s all about the players, all the time. Did he get injured? How long will he be out? How many touches did he get? Afterwards I’ll find myself wondering, “Oh right, who actually did win that game?”
6. Don’t bench your top draft pick to teach him a lesson.
This one’s pretty obvious, but after Week 1, I was acting like I was actually coaching a real-life team and letting it go to my head. My top pick in the draft was RB Devonta Freeman. (Don’t make fun, I was the 8th pick, so it wasn’t a completely silly move). But in Week 1, he scored a measly 4 points. WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT DEVONTA?
Because I’m a vindictive coach, I decided to sit him on the bench during Week 2 to teach him a lesson. I’d put him back in when he proved himself! “What did I think I would gain from this?” you ask. Yeah, I’m not really sure either. But an important lesson learned; take your weirdo, irrational emotions out of the equation.